Vicious cycle

[jasong]

This whole thing will probably take me a long time to write with many edits, but I'll try to leave self-pity out of it, which may be one of my biggest problems.

As many of you probably know, I'm a 34 year-old paranoid schizophrenic(been stable for a while) who lives with his parents. I have the ability to live on my own, and maybe to become totally independent, possibly even to the point of being responsible for my own medication, which is a very large expense.

Unfortunately, what's holding me back is an obsession with the fact that my dad thinks I am totally worthless, plus I've come to the conclusion that my mother respects my father way more than she respects me. Which means the best thing I've got in this life is the invisible Jesus. That sucks a bit, not because I think Jesus is weak, but because I tend to have faith in things that are more tangible. I've adopted the various rules of morality fairly easily, but I hardly pray at all, which is where most Christians tend to get their strength. It's a difficult habit for me to develop.

I have a large amount of intelligence which largely goes unutilized since my self confidence is close to zero. I just feel like if I could accomplish something major, something that would knock the chip off my father's shoulder, I could get out from under this horrible rock that's been holding me back for nearly a decade. I say a decade because I pretty much managed to deal with my paranoid schizophrenia by the age of about 25. Now it's mostly just a medical issue that requires medication.

I know it's not my father's fault that I'm a failure, but my obsession with the lack of approval of my father and the additional obsession with the fact that my mother(the most important figure in my life) refuses to acknowledge the fact that my dad hates me, that is holding me back. Not their fault, but my obsession with those things.

I have gotten the idea in my head that it is an absolute necessity that I move out of the house if I intend to escape from this vicious cycle. At the moment, I am saving up to buy an electric bike, which would cost anywhere from about $350 to $500. Then I would have transportation to get to my job and do anything that doesn't require carrying a large amount of items.

I have a part-time job at KFC which earns me about $100 a week, which I know is a small amount. I could probably be comfortably independent with the aid of the state government(government housing and the check I'm already receiving) and by either asking for more hours or trying to get a job more suited to me.

At some point, I need to improve my education, either by going to college or through guided study. I'm still trying to figure out what that term 'guided study' means to me, I'm not sure I'm the type of person that has the discipline for totally self-guided study.

I know this forum isn't suited for this kind of stuff, but I wanted to share this with the most important group in my life that could actually handle this stuff. I could tell my friends at the mental health place, but I don't want to put this on people who are already sick. I could also tell my Bible study group, but I just started attending that group and I don't feel like I know them enough.

Sorry for bugging you guys, I just feel like I needed to put this in writing.

[em99010pepe]

Dear friend,

In life when someone hates you we just need to prove that they are totally wrong. You have to show that you can handle by yourself any kind of difficulties and situations, you need to fight. You have to concentrate in goals and in ways to achieve them.

Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have relatives who care about you?

Carlos

[LAURENU2]

Can I ask Why you ONLY part-time job at KFC ?
Is there a reason you can not work Full time ?

:jabber:When I was your age and younger I worked 12 to 18 Hrs a day every day:jabber:
Doing so would make you independent and thus give you the self confidence you seem to be missing now.
I know your parent would learn new respect for you if you showed them this side.

[jasong]

Can I ask Why you ONLY part-time job at KFC ?
Is there a reason you can not work Full time ?

Doing so would make you independent and thus give you the self confidence you seem to be missing now.
I know your parent would learn new respect for you if you showed them this side.
Well, my original excuse had to the with the fact that I didn't want to lose my government check. My government check is connected to how much pay I get in a month. Truth be told, I could work at least 21 hours a week without a problem, and way more than that in months where I don't have the bad luck of 3 paydays showing up in the same month. I've mentioned something similar to one of the managers, but it was about a week after the economy went south.

When I get enough money to buy the electric bike I want, I'm going to mention it again to them.

[Shish]

Jasong.
Firstly, please don't take anything I say to heart but parents have a tough enough time bringing up kids/a family. Been there done that, DON't know all about it and passing 60, with my own and family health problems, if I could, I would happily go back to working 100-120 hour weeks and that's not what caused me my disability. Tonite, despite a heavy cold which hits me very hard (immunised against flu thank the Lord), medication, and several other problems, I'm working an all nighter for free/no pay. I'm not allowed to earn any money or do work for pay but I would be back to work like a shot if I was able and allowed to by UK Health and Safety and Insurance companies. I am allowed so called "permitted work" under UK law but I had to fight for that.
I don't come from a wealthy background and my parents couldn't afford a top school for me so I worked 7 days a week, mornings and evenings (except Sunday nights) to earn me some extra pocket money and worked hard at school to get a scholarship and suffered (marked as a scholarship boy) through Grammar school ( High School in the US?) then got a job before being sponsored (same as a scholarship but by the company I worked for) through college which meant I had to stay with that company for 5 years after college. That's too much personal info really but what I'm trying to say is, sitting on your butt complaining or whingeing as we say here gets you nowhere. Go out there and DO it. Take whatever chances you have or can work for but try to see your parents viewpoint or the other persons as well. They also have lives to lead. Most importantly, respect has to be earned, it is NOT a right even for kids. I did say that to my own kids a long time ago and I also said to them that because they were my kids, I would always love them. But that doesn't mean to say that I may not LIKE them sometimes.
And that's far too much from me so I'm giving in to this cold and meds and getting away from the distractions of the internet.

[LAURENU2]

Do you not think your lack of self confidence, your parents respect, and your lack of money is tied to your free government check.
Nothing in this world is free it all come at a price Think About it
If you want to change or things to be different you have to work for it
If not you can continue to cry about it here or in your pillow. It is All up to you

[jasong]

Jasong.
Firstly, please don't take anything I say to heart...
Actually, I DO think I need to take it to heart. It's easy for me to blame it on my dad, his personality causes him to be distant as a person. But, as my mother always points out when I get this way, he's distant to EVERYBODY.

I guess the problem is(in the case of me and my father) that different people desire to be loved in different ways. With some people you heap all kinds of praise on them and constantly tell them you love them, but unless you physically hold them they feel despised. Everybody needs different things, and in different amounts.

In the case of the other aspect of the problem, I'm either lazy or a procrastinator. I've proven at work that I can work consistently without complaining or slacking off, though it is only 3-4 hours at a time. I'm simply not a self-starter when it comes to learning new things. I LIKE to be bored, and not have to worry about new things. If I were living in the Dark Ages, I'd probably actually be happier, because I wouldn't be so aware of the things I'm NOT accomplishing. I'd walk behind the plow and dream of better ways to, um, make a wagon or something.

I guess my father and I just look at things differently, he has rather down to earth goals involving keeping his family fed and paying the electricity and water bill for the forseeable future, while I dream so much that it's a hindrance.

I've decided that I need to just put my head down and get an education. For psychological reasons, I don't want to move out of my parents house(I got suicidal the last time because I tended to isolate myself when I lived on my own) but I think that if I can prove that I can earn enough money for the average single man to live on, and offer to pay for more stuff involved in me living there after I get a job, maybe in a couple years my dad won't look at me like a bad dog that he needs to tolerate as much.

[gopher_yarrowzoo]

Jason
It does sound like your a bit like your dad and there could be the rub so to speak, I know I'm a lot like my dear departed dad, let me tell you it's bloody scary..
I often have this "I can't be bothered doing that" but will eventually do it, being yelled at in "stereo" isn't nice either mother and sister or both sisters - now that's motivation..
You only need to prove anything to 1 person and that's you and that's the 1st step which I think you've pretty much done..
Step 2 is a little harder it involves seeing beyond the "box" you've put yourself into..
Also some of the things your "sensing" could be side effects (good / bad) of the meds your on.
Take 1 step at a time, write it all down - have a plan and STICK to it, even if you think somedays it's like beating your head of a brick wall..

I've stared into "the abyss" but I'm still here, figured It would hurt too many people if I was gone, go figure...

Education is a good thing but make sure it will give you something that will lead to work that you could actually see yourself doing, oh also an understanding employer is always good.